Small Victories

Friday night, Aunt Viv called to let me know that there would be a special harvesters meeting on Monday. I thought about it and said I would try and make it; she called again on Monday to remind me. When Monday rolled around I was fighting another sinusitis flare up, severe pain.
On my way home I said to myself, I was in too much pain to go and further more, I didn't want to. I've been dealing with resentment; on my drive home God asked me, "Laura, after all I have taken you through, when will you let me use you?" I didn't answer, I just said "God, I'm scared and I don't want to go." The struggle that took place within me after, thoughts of inadequacy, of being worried about people hurting me with their words, of not meeting everyone's expectations. I said Lord, clearly I don't have the peace to stay home so I'm going to go.
I remember the closing of 2011 I said to myself 2012 will be my year. And it is.
My year for love. My year for financial security, My year for the best relationships. My year to be happy, My year to live. My year to serve. My year to meet the Laura God has been working on, even to glimpse at her.
Needless to say I got home, I showered and stepped right back out. I went to church, and I was blessed to have been there. I felt so proud of myself. So good to be reminded that yes I'm favoured too by God. I am His beloved and O He is mine.
I rejoice in the Lord. He is faithful, even when we have forgotten. I am living proof, God doesn't give up, and he takes us just as we are.

 Originally published in 2012

Revelation - Live Light

I was sitting in my doctor's office today. And as I found a seat by this Caucasian elderly man reading a book on teaching techniques I surveyed the room of patients waiting patiently to see my doctor.

Two faces I remembered from previous visits.

It occurred to me that I have been coming to my doctor too frequently for me to have remembered these two ladies. I was not amused. I said to myself "O Laura! Laura! Laura! Laura! What are you doing?"

It was in that single moment after two in the afternoon that I had this dialogue with myself.

The Revelation:

I am sitting here because of asthma, an illness I had recently developed over the last couple of months. I  am also suffering from a persistent cough. Am I going to live the rest of my life on medication and an illness I am not familiar with? Between the asthma/persistent cough/ and tonsillitis you cannot even sing? How much more joy will you lose?

My asthma/persistent cough/ tonsillitis are all caused by stress. Never had them until my life was turned upside down!

That means something!

And if it does then I can stop all this madness.

I can take control!

I will.
Starting over I am going to take control of my stress before it takes control of me. My emotional illness has now manifested itself into a real physical problem one that is costing me dearly and Laura haven't I lost enough. Paid enough for something I didn't ask for.

I agreed with my better self of course.
I need to start living light.

Living Light- Doing away with the things that I would love to matter but do not. Putting down my worries for things I cannot change. Accepting what is and is not.

Starting with 'I accept that I love a man that no longer love me.'

I am not the first woman to have experienced this. And this love; my love is real, it's tangible. But it isn't the end of the world.

I'm on my journey to discover me patiently.

Originally published in 2011