Small Victories

Friday night, Aunt Viv called to let me know that there would be a special harvesters meeting on Monday. I thought about it and said I would try and make it; she called again on Monday to remind me. When Monday rolled around I was fighting another sinusitis flare up, severe pain.
On my way home I said to myself, I was in too much pain to go and further more, I didn't want to. I've been dealing with resentment; on my drive home God asked me, "Laura, after all I have taken you through, when will you let me use you?" I didn't answer, I just said "God, I'm scared and I don't want to go." The struggle that took place within me after, thoughts of inadequacy, of being worried about people hurting me with their words, of not meeting everyone's expectations. I said Lord, clearly I don't have the peace to stay home so I'm going to go.
I remember the closing of 2011 I said to myself 2012 will be my year. And it is.
My year for love. My year for financial security, My year for the best relationships. My year to be happy, My year to live. My year to serve. My year to meet the Laura God has been working on, even to glimpse at her.
Needless to say I got home, I showered and stepped right back out. I went to church, and I was blessed to have been there. I felt so proud of myself. So good to be reminded that yes I'm favoured too by God. I am His beloved and O He is mine.
I rejoice in the Lord. He is faithful, even when we have forgotten. I am living proof, God doesn't give up, and he takes us just as we are.

 Originally published in 2012

Revelation - Live Light

I was sitting in my doctor's office today. And as I found a seat by this Caucasian elderly man reading a book on teaching techniques I surveyed the room of patients waiting patiently to see my doctor.

Two faces I remembered from previous visits.

It occurred to me that I have been coming to my doctor too frequently for me to have remembered these two ladies. I was not amused. I said to myself "O Laura! Laura! Laura! Laura! What are you doing?"

It was in that single moment after two in the afternoon that I had this dialogue with myself.

The Revelation:

I am sitting here because of asthma, an illness I had recently developed over the last couple of months. I  am also suffering from a persistent cough. Am I going to live the rest of my life on medication and an illness I am not familiar with? Between the asthma/persistent cough/ and tonsillitis you cannot even sing? How much more joy will you lose?

My asthma/persistent cough/ tonsillitis are all caused by stress. Never had them until my life was turned upside down!

That means something!

And if it does then I can stop all this madness.

I can take control!

I will.
Starting over I am going to take control of my stress before it takes control of me. My emotional illness has now manifested itself into a real physical problem one that is costing me dearly and Laura haven't I lost enough. Paid enough for something I didn't ask for.

I agreed with my better self of course.
I need to start living light.

Living Light- Doing away with the things that I would love to matter but do not. Putting down my worries for things I cannot change. Accepting what is and is not.

Starting with 'I accept that I love a man that no longer love me.'

I am not the first woman to have experienced this. And this love; my love is real, it's tangible. But it isn't the end of the world.

I'm on my journey to discover me patiently.

Originally published in 2011

No safety in now

Would you believe that I actually started typing this post and deleted it, this after staring at the screen for couple of minutes while I wrote the post in my mind?

Job 23 :10 says: But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold.

 The devil would have me believe that staying right here, in this moment, is better than moving forward. Better than what is to come. After all, I do not know what is to come.  He would like me to find comfort in the safety of now. In other words he would like me to stop growing, stop searching, stop desiring, stop dreaming, stop hoping, stop resting on the promises of God.

Life is not a moment. Let me type that again. Life is not a moment. 

It is a series of events.  It is a journey.  It is a path we must take, whether you are going to creep, walk, run, drive, ride and die. Everything, from we were born 'til we die, is a progression.  We were not made to stand still. We were not made to not grow. The only way to grow is to step out of the safety of now.  

I had to ask myself this question, when the devil tried to lie to me: What kind of woman do I want to be? Do I want to be the woman that sits idly while time passes? Do I want to be a piece of copper? Or like Job do I want to be gold?  My trials are not in vain, because God has a plan.  My tears are not in vain because, He knows best.  My losses are not in vain, because he is making room.

Don't be disheartened, Dream, and Dream Big. Live and Live Loud. Love and Love with everything you have.  Make everything count.  Don't sit down, get up and dance, Don't be quiet, sing the song of your soul.

Even nature doesn't stand still, the Earth moves, the trees grow, the flowers bloom everything grows, and so do I.  

As do you.

Know this, there is no safety in NOW.  

Originally Published in 2012

Soul Searching - Your Feelings Are Real and Valid

So I've been treading lightly in some soul searching shallow water and came across this post from Lori at TinyBuddha and wanted to share with you.  I know we all sometimes feel this way and thought I would spread the encouragement. 

Tiny Wisdom: Your Feelings Are Real and Valid

“Feelings are real and legitimate.” -Unknown

One of the most frustrating things in the world is feeling something painful and having other people tell you that you shouldn’t be upset.

That it’s no big deal that relationship didn’t work out, or that opportunity didn’t pan out—that it’s all in your head, so you should let it go, suck it up, and move on.

A while back, a friend of mine got fired from a new job after her first day. We were out in a group when she got the call, and several of us watched her emotions slowly build to gut-wrenching tears.

Naturally, everyone wanted to console her, but that quickly turned into a rapid fire succession of reminders that it really was no big deal—no one died—and she shouldn’t feel so crushed.

I understand it can be helpful to put things in perspective, and I know there were good intentions behind those words, but I found myself wondering if it ever helps to tell someone that they should be feeling something else.

No matter what someone else thinks about our circumstances and how we should respond, our feelings are not imagined.

If you’re mourning a loss of any kind, you don’t have to pretend you’re not hurt. Know that your feelings are real and valid.

If you’re missing the way things were, you don’t have to pretend you’re not sad. Know that your feelings are real and valid.

If you’ve been betrayed, disrespected, or violated in any way, you don’t have to pretend you’re not angry. Know that your feelings are real and valid.

We are only human, and we are going to have times when we feel wounded, sometimes over events that would challenge anyone’s sense of composure, and sometimes over things that may seem insignificant to everyone but us.

In those moments, we may feel an overwhelming surge of emotion without really know the words to express it. Maybe the key is to simply feel it, without stressing about whether that’s right or wrong, and then give ourselves some time to understand what’s going on in our heads and our hearts.

We can either judge our emotions, telling ourselves we should be stronger, or accept them for what they are, and then allow ourselves space to recognize what we can think and do to feel stronger.

Originally Published in 2012

Go Ahead and Just Live... Even for a Little

Last Saturday I decided to do something I have not done in years, go out ALONE!
*Insert deep sigh here*
I'm kidding. It was GREAT!


I had carefully thought about this day coming up and had even invited a close friend of mine to join me, but that didn't work out.  Needless to say the day before I was rather anxious and almost wussed out on going by myself, but who really wants to go down punking out? I don't.  So when Saturday morning rolled around, I had spent the morning indulging in a good daily dose of my favourite game SIMS, taking a nap and then had dinner. For my soul preparation I had a long hot shower and then I got all dolled up for ME to some happy music. I was gorgeous.

I had spent the evening attending a dance presentation by the Dance Theatre Xaymaca- GREAT SHOW. A friend of mine, participated in a few of the dances (Kels, You are still a beautiful dancer!).  I thought it was a very epic ending to a rather difficult week.  I was able to reinforce some self-love lessons and I was able to get out and laugh and smile and be inspired by the human body and human bodies moving to soulful music.

I got enough juice to say "Laura, You are going to get through this."  Before the show Kels called to say she had another friend who was also attending solo and if it was OK if she sat with me, I said sure, it was fine. Funnily she shared that a mutual friend of ours referred her to my blog and that she was actually trying to practice on one such post about Perfect Love.
While she is still in her relationship she is trying to figure out how to spend some time with herself alone.  I wish you all the best Paige, just remember every habit starts with a thought, and I hope everything works out.

All in all it was a beautiful evening. I am really happy and proud of myself that I went because the truth is that Life starts right now. Right in this moment. Whether I like it or not, whether I have money or not, or a man or not. It is happening and there isn't anything I can do to stop it and unfortunately I can't walk into the Life Store and request a refund on all the times I didn't LIVE.  So if you are like me- Trying to find contentment in what you have right now and learning to love yourself in spite of. Go Ahead and Just Live... even for a little :)

Have you ever gone out by yourself? What was the experience like for you?

Originally published in 2011

Love isn't compromise and it isn't Settling.

For those of you who are close to me, you will know that something very, very important happened recently.

I'm still processing my feelings and my thoughts, and hope to share them as I go through them.

Today I wanted to share with you a lesson I'm learning.

"When it comes to love, don't compromise."

It sounds simple enough, but I know that there are very few of us that figure out what this really means on the first try. When I use to think of love, I rarely ever thought about what it would look like when it was returned to me but more of what it would look like when I gave it, I suppose I expected it to resemble, something out of romance novels or from the movies. You know, the roses/chocolates, kissing in the rain/ or simply saying I love you. And yes while those are grand sweet gestures, the truth is they are gestures everyone mimics.  I know love is more than that, but I thought of love and the way I would give it to the person I love; I did that banking on the fact that he would consider how he would reciprocate this kind of love to me.

This chapter of this lesson I'm currently trying to process, is loving myself. I consider if I had loved myself the way I'm trying to now, I wouldn't have settled or compromised for a love that was less than mine, thinking it would be enough if I loved him enough, if I was good enough, if he saw how much I was willing to do for him. Big big big mistake!  Needless to say, if I had loved myself the way I do, even this little, I would have recognized what I needed; and if it didn't resemble what I'm use to, what I give myself then I would have been able to know that this isn't it.

I'm trying to live and love without regrets, but this lesson stands out so clear in my mind right now, even as the dust settles around me.

I've come to realize that if my relationship with God was on par, growing and not stagnant, if I had known Him the way I do now, I would be able to recognize perfect love and anything that comes close to the way He loves me.  I would have learnt earlier how to love myself, and then be able to see that love when it is given to me and be able to give it in return.

So today I ask you this: How do you love yourself? Does the love you currently show yourself resemble God's Love for you?  And does the love you currently receive from your significant other mimic that?

 Originally published in 2011

Hakuna Matata - Success in my eyes.

Last night my sis took me to see Lion King 3D; what can I say my inner child loooooovveeess this movie.

While standing on the outskirts of all the parents trying to get food for their kids I watched a teenage boy and a girl interact. As they stood in the lobby the young man made fun of the girl's hair and her nose; It was obvious that she was disappointed; I overheard him ask her what it was that she wanted to eat and she said throwing her hands up in the air "I guess I'll have M&M's" the boy then stretched out his hand and  jested for the money. The young girl clearly tired / embarrassed of his antics just rolled her eyes and walked into the theatre obviously frustrated. I can imagine this would not be date to call the girlfriends up and gush over.

I said a prayer for that young girl, that she wouldn't compromise herself to make love happen, because that isn't love. I prayed she would be confident in herself to know she would be alright and that she doesn't need to chase love or men.  That in time the right one will find her.  I prayed for the young man too, that he would learn soon how a woman deserves to be treated and that being cocky and putting down a woman doesn't make you cool, it just makes you mean. 


I remember being a teenager, I remember the compromises I made because I wanted someone to like me.  Boy I wish I was honest with myself then, like I am learning to be now, would have saved myself a lot of heartache. But my mistakes, they are memories and they are lessons and I'm still learning, still becoming.

I wish I could say I don't worry for Love, I do.  I have a view of success and it may not fit into everyone else's view but that's the point of success, it's mine to own. So mine is, Being the best I can be at all I put my mind to; to be love; having a family; raising my children to be good people; to have good morals and values; to teach them the way of Christ in the hope that some day they can find Him and teach others. My view of success is living with love and fighting our battles together as man & woman & family& friends; it's growing old and having realized, I did the best I could with what I got; to have been blessed and been a blessing. To hear God say "Well done my good and faithful servant".

And as many of you may know, I've had a major setback on my road to success. I could totally use this time to go on an ultimate freak out because Hello I'm 25 and how in heavens am I gonna have 6 kids if I don't start now?????? but as Timon and Pumba reminded me last night Hakuna Matata which is Swahili for "There are no worries." And its true; there are no worries in God, I know God has got this; after all He knew me before I existed and my life is in His hand.

So as I sit here on my bed this cloudy Sunday evening with a strep throat to kill and an ear infection to die from, I'm encouraging you guys to Live and don't compromise yourself; and to not do that you have to know yourself; you have to be yourself.

What's your view of success?

Originally published in 2011

Good Friends help me get by

I started this week, quite upbeat, wanting to make it a different one from last week *insert sick face here* Monday I welcomed a friend back to work, and I got to thinking how some people add to the happy value of our lives.

The truth is life is hard, some roads require us to travel them alone and that makes it more difficult.  But our friends, our true friends, the ones that stick by us when we are ready to just pull over and say "I aint got no more"; the friends that pray us up, the friends that have that 6th sense to message you when you really need someone, the friends that pull up our bootstraps for us; rough us up a bit and tell it like it is, and the friends who are quiet when you just need their presence and nothing more.  Thank God for Good friends.


Needless to say, I'm on this hard road, and sometimes the rains beat down on me, the sun is just too hot and the road won't end; but then I look over and there is a good friend, and I remember, we are all traveling on a road, maybe a different kind.
 
The way I see it is that we are never alone. If no other human is in sight, God is.  And isn't He more than enough? He is for me.  We will never really be able to enjoy life with others if we can't enjoy it with just us and God.

Isaiah 43:2
"When you pass through the waters,
   I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
   they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
   you will not be burned;
   the flames will not set you ablaze. "

Be encouraged and lets aim to look at the glass half full.  God is on our side and he is right there with you on this journey.

Don't Give Up!

Originally Posted in 2011

Study Notes 1.0

Make friends wherever you go;

Forgive yourself for the people that you have hurt;

Love yourself with your flaws;

Take chances; Tread lightly; Live.

Live, it is your only chance;

Love as if it is your last;

Do not worry about what tomorrow holds,

God is in control.

Originally Posted in 2011

Time and Honesty

Originally Posted in 2011

In my own skin

God has a way when He strips away everything and sometimes people in our life, bit by bit.

When I was a teenage girl, I wasn't much for crowds, there were evenings when I came home from school and I would walk the hill in my granddad's backyard and watch the sunset. I would sit and look up at the sky, or I would be lying on the barbecue for the tank feeling the warmth off the hard concrete against my skin making shapes out of the clouds above and dream.

I never felt out of place alone.  But as I got older and I started added to my life - people, school then work, friends, church activities - you know the things that I thought added much needed value to self and to life.  All too soon I had forgotten what alone felt like.

Until now....
I'm learning to accept the skin I'm in; to be grateful for the moments with friends, and the time alone.  I'm coming into me, all too strange; yet so familiar. 

I-kid-you-not it's so unfamiliar that there have been some alone times I just cry them out, but then there are the precious ones where I can see my own growth and acknowledge "Yes Laura, your own skin feels real good." Heck at times I catch myself laughing. I get to pray more; read my bible more; write, sing, sift through the thoughts and feelings and I get to put things into perspective; or just simply BE. It's well needed.

But the truth is, I need time with myself; to enjoy myself, like I would if there was a man to fall in love with.

As I add to my life once again, this time around I acknowledge; My skin, my company is comfortable to live in and worthy of my time;  A value packed item I'd like to keep.

Originally published on August 27, 2011.