Meaning of MY life- Part 1?

I'm lying in bed, naked and in the dark (TMI,  but honest). I'm trying to keep provoking thoughts at bay and my mind ran on my blog. I honestly cannot say how much I have missed writing but tonight instead of studying I am giving myself the time to just be. This weekend was highly emotional and physically challenging, dealing with family issues. I woke up this morning and wanted very much for someone to take care of me. I have honestly been seriously questioning the meaning of my life in light of these extremely difficult and exhausting situations.

But I give thanks that the Lord has been faithful and that his mercies have never fallen short or been absent.  I am reminded that as I go my way, He is ever present and willing to help, never too far for a desperate prayer or a grateful one.

As it relates to the meaning of my life, the answer I am still trying to put together but of late every time I go through a rough or difficult situation I keep thinking it's time for me to start a family. I believe this to be the epitome of life raising a family together with one soul. It just seems to make things worthwhile. I have also been looking at some of my experiences in light of how they will make me into a better mother, do any other women or men think of their life experiences this way? I'd definitely love for my life to mean love and what better way than to have that poured out to my children and to the one man that chooses forever with me.

I have to be constantly in prayer about the Lord changing my heart to live my life according to His will. I can be honest and say that I often struggle with being married before the children. This I know is an after effect of having been married before and now divorced. Of course on the flip side I hate the idea of being someone's 'baby mother'. I am avoiding the urge of going  into a full on rant about baby madda  drama.

All in all I am well. Physically, emotionally and spiritually.  I am so grateful for this.

I am not remiss that I haven't given an excuse as to why I have been absent, but don't worry, the posts will reveal in time.

No safety in now

Would you believe that I actually started typing this post and deleted it, this after staring at the screen for couple of minutes while I wrote the post in my mind?

Job 23 :10 says: But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold.

 The devil would have me believe that staying right here, in this moment, is better than moving forward. Better than what is to come. After all, I do not know what is to come.  He would like me to find comfort in the safety of now. In other words he would like me to stop growing, stop searching, stop desiring, stop dreaming, stop hoping, stop resting on the promises of God.

Life is not a moment. Let me type that again. Life is not a moment. 

It is a series of events.  It is a journey.  It is a path we must take, whether you are going to creep, walk, run, drive, ride and die. Everything, from we were born 'til we die, is a progression.  We were not made to stand still. We were not made to not grow. The only way to grow is to step out of the safety of now.  

I had to ask myself this question, when the devil tried to lie to me: What kind of woman do I want to be? Do I want to be the woman that sits idly while time passes? Do I want to be a piece of copper? Or like Job do I want to be gold?  My trials are not in vain, because God has a plan.  My tears are not in vain because, He knows best.  My losses are not in vain, because he is making room.

Don't be disheartened, Dream, and Dream Big. Live and Live Loud. Love and Love with everything you have.  Make everything count.  Don't sit down, get up and dance, Don't be quiet, sing the song of your soul.

Even nature doesn't stand still, the Earth moves, the trees grow, the flowers bloom everything grows, and so do I.  

As do you.

Know this, there is no safety in NOW.  

Originally Published in 2012

Go Ahead and Just Live... Even for a Little

Last Saturday I decided to do something I have not done in years, go out ALONE!
*Insert deep sigh here*
I'm kidding. It was GREAT!


I had carefully thought about this day coming up and had even invited a close friend of mine to join me, but that didn't work out.  Needless to say the day before I was rather anxious and almost wussed out on going by myself, but who really wants to go down punking out? I don't.  So when Saturday morning rolled around, I had spent the morning indulging in a good daily dose of my favourite game SIMS, taking a nap and then had dinner. For my soul preparation I had a long hot shower and then I got all dolled up for ME to some happy music. I was gorgeous.

I had spent the evening attending a dance presentation by the Dance Theatre Xaymaca- GREAT SHOW. A friend of mine, participated in a few of the dances (Kels, You are still a beautiful dancer!).  I thought it was a very epic ending to a rather difficult week.  I was able to reinforce some self-love lessons and I was able to get out and laugh and smile and be inspired by the human body and human bodies moving to soulful music.

I got enough juice to say "Laura, You are going to get through this."  Before the show Kels called to say she had another friend who was also attending solo and if it was OK if she sat with me, I said sure, it was fine. Funnily she shared that a mutual friend of ours referred her to my blog and that she was actually trying to practice on one such post about Perfect Love.
While she is still in her relationship she is trying to figure out how to spend some time with herself alone.  I wish you all the best Paige, just remember every habit starts with a thought, and I hope everything works out.

All in all it was a beautiful evening. I am really happy and proud of myself that I went because the truth is that Life starts right now. Right in this moment. Whether I like it or not, whether I have money or not, or a man or not. It is happening and there isn't anything I can do to stop it and unfortunately I can't walk into the Life Store and request a refund on all the times I didn't LIVE.  So if you are like me- Trying to find contentment in what you have right now and learning to love yourself in spite of. Go Ahead and Just Live... even for a little :)

Have you ever gone out by yourself? What was the experience like for you?

Originally published in 2011

Hakuna Matata - Success in my eyes.

Last night my sis took me to see Lion King 3D; what can I say my inner child loooooovveeess this movie.

While standing on the outskirts of all the parents trying to get food for their kids I watched a teenage boy and a girl interact. As they stood in the lobby the young man made fun of the girl's hair and her nose; It was obvious that she was disappointed; I overheard him ask her what it was that she wanted to eat and she said throwing her hands up in the air "I guess I'll have M&M's" the boy then stretched out his hand and  jested for the money. The young girl clearly tired / embarrassed of his antics just rolled her eyes and walked into the theatre obviously frustrated. I can imagine this would not be date to call the girlfriends up and gush over.

I said a prayer for that young girl, that she wouldn't compromise herself to make love happen, because that isn't love. I prayed she would be confident in herself to know she would be alright and that she doesn't need to chase love or men.  That in time the right one will find her.  I prayed for the young man too, that he would learn soon how a woman deserves to be treated and that being cocky and putting down a woman doesn't make you cool, it just makes you mean. 


I remember being a teenager, I remember the compromises I made because I wanted someone to like me.  Boy I wish I was honest with myself then, like I am learning to be now, would have saved myself a lot of heartache. But my mistakes, they are memories and they are lessons and I'm still learning, still becoming.

I wish I could say I don't worry for Love, I do.  I have a view of success and it may not fit into everyone else's view but that's the point of success, it's mine to own. So mine is, Being the best I can be at all I put my mind to; to be love; having a family; raising my children to be good people; to have good morals and values; to teach them the way of Christ in the hope that some day they can find Him and teach others. My view of success is living with love and fighting our battles together as man & woman & family& friends; it's growing old and having realized, I did the best I could with what I got; to have been blessed and been a blessing. To hear God say "Well done my good and faithful servant".

And as many of you may know, I've had a major setback on my road to success. I could totally use this time to go on an ultimate freak out because Hello I'm 25 and how in heavens am I gonna have 6 kids if I don't start now?????? but as Timon and Pumba reminded me last night Hakuna Matata which is Swahili for "There are no worries." And its true; there are no worries in God, I know God has got this; after all He knew me before I existed and my life is in His hand.

So as I sit here on my bed this cloudy Sunday evening with a strep throat to kill and an ear infection to die from, I'm encouraging you guys to Live and don't compromise yourself; and to not do that you have to know yourself; you have to be yourself.

What's your view of success?

Originally published in 2011

Good Friends help me get by

I started this week, quite upbeat, wanting to make it a different one from last week *insert sick face here* Monday I welcomed a friend back to work, and I got to thinking how some people add to the happy value of our lives.

The truth is life is hard, some roads require us to travel them alone and that makes it more difficult.  But our friends, our true friends, the ones that stick by us when we are ready to just pull over and say "I aint got no more"; the friends that pray us up, the friends that have that 6th sense to message you when you really need someone, the friends that pull up our bootstraps for us; rough us up a bit and tell it like it is, and the friends who are quiet when you just need their presence and nothing more.  Thank God for Good friends.


Needless to say, I'm on this hard road, and sometimes the rains beat down on me, the sun is just too hot and the road won't end; but then I look over and there is a good friend, and I remember, we are all traveling on a road, maybe a different kind.
 
The way I see it is that we are never alone. If no other human is in sight, God is.  And isn't He more than enough? He is for me.  We will never really be able to enjoy life with others if we can't enjoy it with just us and God.

Isaiah 43:2
"When you pass through the waters,
   I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
   they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
   you will not be burned;
   the flames will not set you ablaze. "

Be encouraged and lets aim to look at the glass half full.  God is on our side and he is right there with you on this journey.

Don't Give Up!

Originally Posted in 2011

What to do about the past

What do you do when nostalgia sweeps over your very core of being?
When memories taunt you of what was and your dreams tease you with the-could-have-beens?

I'll tell you what I did.
I took a deep breath,
I dove into the nostalgia and I allowed my feelings to respond
Responded to my memories and I nodded at my dreams.
Then when the chill of the familiarity was gone, and my memories ran into my dreams and the could-have-beens.

I left it in that moment.
I took another step, smiled and moved on.

Originally published in 2011

Study Notes 1.0

Make friends wherever you go;

Forgive yourself for the people that you have hurt;

Love yourself with your flaws;

Take chances; Tread lightly; Live.

Live, it is your only chance;

Love as if it is your last;

Do not worry about what tomorrow holds,

God is in control.

Originally Posted in 2011